Written largely in the darkness of the night

Well, the title refers to the both the triathlon side and the relationship side.

SUniG was held yesterday – a 750m swim and a 7km run. I came in 4th individually, which was better than I expected. The competition was pretty strong, especially in the swim. I realised that my swim needs a whole lot of work. I came out of the water in the middle of the pack, but managed to run my way and pass 4 others or so to finish 4th. I guess the most satisfying part was comleteing the entire run and finishing stringly – surprising myself. At the finish line, my team mates and coach were all impressed by my strong run and finish: that was a real affirmation for me. Well, that’s one race down. Tri factor coming next – the race that I trained 16 weeks for. I’m sticking to a performance goal of 2:45. PR, here I come.

He surprised me in my house yesterday returning home from SuniG, I found fresh red roses scattered along the stiarcase leading to my room, and there he was, holding a stack of drawing block papers reminding me of how beautiful our relationship was. I realise I still love him a lot, and am really thankful for having him. He said that he realised how much I’ve done and put into this relationship and how it really isn’t easy for me. He promised to change, to stop expecting so much of me, to stop pushing so far physically because there’s so much more to us than that. I hope it is for real this time. I know ending it would have broken his heart so badly, I know he lpves me way more than I love him. I promise to give this my all, perhaps I’ll never reach his level, but it’ll be everything I got. A wonderful saturday spent cuddling and talking in my room, beautiful dinner at a great cafe, and grocery shopping the night away. The best things in life are sometimes the simplest things – times spent with loved ones, talking about our hopes and dreams, about our future, about what’s been going on. Perhaps I’m slowly finding it, the real important things in life – friends, family and realtionships with those around me. I may not be showy in my affections or open with my displays of affection, but I do whatever I can for those around, even of it means having less time for myself. He is a reminder of what is important, a reminder that work, grades and being the best isn’t everything. Love life, and pursue what catches your heart.

Into the 6th week of law school, getting extremely caught up with work and training. One more week to the mid-term break which I sorely need. I need some time to breathe, to hang out leisurely at a cafe, reading, without a care in the world. I think I have been neglecting those around me. I would rather go for a swim or run session then for a round of food and shopping with my parents or friends. I love what I do  – both school and training, and yet I feel this obligation towards others to spend time with them. Perhaps obligation is not the most apt word, because I really do want to do it, but somehow the need to complete my work and to train overwhelms all other things.

The only other time when I feel like I can simply relax without a care is when I’m with him. Simply sitting around, telling him about what’s been going on and listening to him talk about his life in camp is one of the greatest pleasures. Somehow, though, I’ve been getting this feeling that he seems a little worried for me and how I’m getting so caught up and busy with school, training and tuition. I’m not sure if the worry is about me not coping well in school, or that of me not having enough time for him. Perhaps I should be more active in showing him that he means something to me, and stop being so passive and expecting him to express all his emotions and feelings while keeping my own so closely gurarded. I am still dithering over whether to send him the letter I wrote. Part of me does not want to show how much I rely on him to keep me from falling too deep into work and training, and yet the John Mayer song reminds me to say what I need to say before I lose the chance to do so.

Another season of racing has just began, and it is moe intense then ever. 4 races in a row starting 2 weeks from now. I am stoked and also expectant. Expectant to medal and do well in each of them. The Army Half Marathon yesterday went better than I thought it would. Although I hoped for a better time, I was nonetheless glad that I maanged to finish it without walking. It was a race that went past in a flash though, the first 10km simply flew past without me noticing. Maybe it was the weather, the pre-dawn darkness and the steady pounding of footsteps around me that made a run seem so much easier.

More work and training for this week, and then I’m hitting the races – personal bests and hopefully, even podium finishes are on the line.