Written largely in the darkness of the night

“Reading week is like race week, except that no one’s tapering”. Found this statement by a friend interesting, and one that effectively captures the state of things leading up to the exams (or race). Times like this are when you feel as if you’re caught in limbo, the hectic school term winds down and comes to an end and there is a nervous anticipation for the exams. Same as how it is for a race, except that perhaps any additional training you do wouldn’t help in any way and tapering’s your best bet. The impending exams however, brings everything a notch up. People delve into their books and notes with a fervour unseen at any other time and embrace their respective fields of study, making academic pursuits the core of their lives for the two weeks. I like to approach the exams like how I approach races, the final week is when the ficus shifts to quality and not quantity, each revision session is a quality session involving a critical evaluation of the subject and a conceptual analysis of the the various legal frameworks.

Perhaps such a normative approach should be taken into our everyday lives, rather than the positivistic approach that we seem to take. We ask, “what is the meaning of life?” or “what do we live for?”, as if an answer would be found through continuous thought and inquiry. What if we took a normative approach instead, and asked “what ought to be the meaning of life, how should I live, what should I pursue?” One might say that such a line of inquiry necessarily implies that there is a correct answer and surely that cannot be possible. I ask, why not? Rather than asking what the meaning of life is and looking to others and our surroundings for answers, what not ask ourselves what we ought to be pursuing and search within ourselves to find out what it is that we truly want. The answer would invariably change, at every stage in life, but at least we feel that what we live for is what we truly want to be living for. Each day is a search for that answer that is constantly changing, mayb one day we would find a definite answer for ourselves, or maybe not. But as they say, it’s the journey that matters, not the destination.

Sundays spent entirely alone, in front of the laptop and piles of notes. Excessive studying that is not necessary, lack of focus that is unwelcomed. Weekends used to be what I looked forward to, nowadays they seem different. Everyone seems much busier on weekends, catching up on leisure time, family time or getting some down time. I spend weekends experiencing these strange feelings of down, the pace slows down and I become more aware of myself and my emotions. Am I happy? I’m not sure. Maybe happy’s the wrong word, since I don’t think any one can describe their state of being with the word “happy”. Happy is just a transient emotion, that passes as quickly as it comes. It’s an elusive feeling that people spend their entire lives searching for but cannot hold on to for long. It comes and goes. People tell me that you can find something that makes you happy, or someone that makes you happy, perhaps that’s true, and that probably requires that “something” or “someone” to be a huge part of your life. I wonder if that requires me to spend more time doing what I enjoy, or spending more time with a special someone. Maybe, maybe I should try, who knows, it might give some guidance to that ever-elusive state of happiness.

I think content is a better word, and it makes the answer to the question easier. No, I’m not content. It’s not possible to pinpoint why I’m not satisfied with how things are going for, contentment is a dangerous state – one becomes complacent and unmotivated. And yet being uncontented means that one struggles with finding meaning and “happiness”. I feel better when I make someone else’s day, but for some reason I can’t make my own day. Maybe I’ve yet to learn how to be comfortable with what I have, who I am and the people around me. Maybe I haven’t found someone who instinctively knows when I’m feeling down. But then again, I just don’t show it. I wouldn’t say that I’m putting on a front, I just don’t reveal what’s inside. Once in a while a friend surprises me by sensing that something’s wrong, but most times people are more occupied with what’s wrong in their own lives. A strict logician reading this rambling post would inevitably arrive at the conclusion that spending too much time alone on weekends is harmful to the emotional being. Time alone is good for the soul, but too much time alone makes you feel like you’re alone in the world, fighting your battles alone, and struggling through each day alone.

I never expected to hurt so much. I’m already regretting what I’ve done, yet at the same time trying to convince myself that this is the right decision in the long run. Perhaps time will tell whether this was the right choice between love and family, or maybe I was wrong – maybe if I tried, if I fought, everything would have turned out alright. I think about all the times that we’ve spent together, all the things that we’ve yet to do together. And I realize how much I am hurting.