Written largely in the darkness of the night

Finally done with all that traveling. What started off as a bid to throw myself in unfamiliar territory with a whole bunch of strangers doing things I don’t usually do ended off pretty well. The camp in malaysia and building houses in chiangmai are probably experiences that would not come easily again. Being away from home felt like a good break, and also a way to find out what are the things and people you miss most. The chiangmai trip really changed the way I saw many things, and I felt for once that it was possible to really make a difference in someone’s life. I’ve tried volunteering at so many organizations, and yet none gives the hands on experience that volunteers are really looking for. I grew frustrated and tried running my own fund-raising project, it was resounding success: but only because of the money raised – there was almost zero interaction with the beneficiaries, which left it completely unsatisfying for me. House-building however, was a real experience. One sees the horrific living conditions and make a silent promise to change them, you see the optimism of people despite their poverty, you learn that any pursuit of a meaningful and interesting life seems frivolous when there are people who are just trying to survive. You relook your goals in life, you think hard at what you’ve been doing, you wonder whether it’s right. There’s probably no “correct” way of living one’s life, there’s only a better way. As we go along, our way of living changes, we refine it, we redefine it. Things that were important seem no longer pertinent, new things enter your life, people come and go. Of course, there are some things that we call our “passions” that we always want in our lives, and special people that we wish would always be around.  Perhaps that’s what we should be guiding our lives with, pursuing one’s own passions, and loving the special people around us, hoping for the best for them. I’ve learnt: love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

Today, I start to really hurt. The past few days went past in a surreal blur, and all I felt was numb. Now, it’s as if reality hits and everything comes crashing down on me. I try to keep the hurt inside. I put on a strong front. That’s the only thing I can do, because the only person I show all my feelings and emotions to, the only person I cry in front of, and the only reason I cry is no longer by my side.

Been listening to aerosmith again, it’s amazing how there are always songs that say exactly how you feel. Uncanny coincidence perhaps, but my favorite aerosmith song is Crying.

Back from camp, lots of things learnt, lots of people met. When we meet new people, we learn not only about them but about people. When you travel, you learn not about the country, but of the world. People ask me what I major in, I say I major in life. Life is what takes up most of our time, my studying of law is just a side. I take each experience as a learning point, and each time I feel humbled. I see dedication to sport, extremely hard work ethics, and team spirits that are stronger that I’ve ever thought possible. I see people looking out for others, I see people working only for themselves. I see faith, and I see distrust. I see confidence, I also see doubt. I see passion, and I too see disillusionment.

All this I see in the course of meeting new people. Learning about them, getting to know them requires not a vast amount of time, but rather a trusting heart that is willing to open up to others. Brutal honesty and faith in others you do not know well does not come easy, but sometimes it is the best thing. The bus ride back was when all these came into play, people opening up about their relationships, friends, sports and family background. Each individual becomes unique, and not just another face in the crowd. You admire those who stand strong in the face of challenges, you try not to judge those who are in relationships but constantly on the lookout for some fun. You learn more about yourself as others tell you what they think of you, and you slowly grasp what you look for in a team mate, a friend, and a significant other. We deal with doubts all the time, uncertainty about our abilities, lack of faith in the people around us and sometimes a total loss of belief in those close to you.

Each day is made up of choices and sacrifices, we make decisions to live our lives in certain ways, to spend our time doing one thing over another, and to steer our lives in the direction we decide upon. Each decision comes at a cost, there is no way of deciding whether what you chose was right. The closest proxy to a right decision is the one made with a sacrifice that you don’t regret, one that you don’t second guess, and one that you think was worth what you had to give up. I’ve given up a lot of things, perhaps more than anyone else. To others, I seem like an extremist, one who is too hard on myself, who pursues my goals at the expense of too many things,  depriving myself of too much. I’d like to think that I’ve made the decisions of my own volition and haven’t truly regretted any of them, but I realized that that was because my decisions mostly involved reaching goals that I’ve set for myself. When people come into the picture, it complicates things. You make a decision to trust someone, but how they respond to it is out of your control. You place faith in a special someone, because they seem equally devoted and faithful, but behind your back they do things you wish you never knew about. This happens too often, and the faith erodes slowly. That is why we have to learn, not about a particular person, but of people in general. That is why we have to learn, not only about love but about relationships with others. That is why we study, experience and explore, not just of what we have chosen as a subject of choice, but of the human interactions around us.

That is why we major in life.

Everyone lives in their unique circumstances, with their own dispositions and characters. We struggle when others don’t see our point of view, or don’t understand why we act in a certain way. After a while, we stop fighting to gain acceptance, we simply want people to understand us. And yet, there are some things that are difficult for others to grasp.

People don’t understand:

• How it’s like to take on the problems of everyone else, with the expectation that you would solve it all for them
• How it’s like to have to find some place to talk on the phone at home without your parents getting suspicious of who you’re talking to
• How it’s like to be constantly putting your body through rigorous training until it rebels against you
• How it’s like to keep training nonetheless because you hope for it to fill a void in your heart
• How it’s like to wish that a special someone was here to fill that void but circumstances make it difficult
• How it’s like to try to understand and not demand for that person to be there and yet be thought of as nonchalant
• How it’s like to be constantly misunderstood as someone who doesn’t care simply because you don’t show it
• How it’s like to have to constantly think of what to say and keep talking because otherwise people think you’re cold and distant
• How it’s like to think that perhaps those closest to you would understand that this is who are, but realizing that they actually don’t
• How it’s like to have to constantly put on a front and be sociable, talkative and friendly.
• How it’s like to feel tired all the time because of all this.

I’m not angry at not being understood, I know better than that. I know that with many people, I still have to put on a social front and I cannot expect them to have to live with who I am. But sometimes, I just wish that there was someone who would understand that I’m happy just sitting there in comfortable silence with whoever I feel I can truly be myself with.