Written largely in the darkness of the night

I always found it amazing that there’ll always be a song that almost perfectly describes the current state of your life. I’m one of those people who puts on my earphones the moment I step out of the house, and recently, I’ve been hearing Jack Johnson croon about how he’s No Good with Faces a lot. The summer break is quickly drawing to an end, and I look back upon it with ambivalence. I’ve learnt a far bit – about life, people, and relationships. As I was having my pre-race rubdown and sports massage, John and Su discuss the state of my body and muscles as if I’m not there; in the end, it just seems that every area is worked to the point that it’s hard beyond belief, and each muscle is like a wound-up spring. I thought to myself that the state of my mind is very much like that of my body. As I lay there, I realized that you have to hurt in order to find out what matters to you, and what’s important in your life, just as how the muscles that hurt most are the most crucial to the sport. I learnt that when you’re hurting, the best thing to do is to relax. The more tense you are, the more it’s going to hurt. The difficulty lies in trying to relax, simply because it is so counter-intuitive. When there is pain, we tense up, we squirm and do anything to escape or lessen the pain; but sometimes we just have to stay still and experience the pain in full force, stare it in the face, and deal with it. Walking around on my own as dusk approaches, I feel more at peace with myself. Perhaps I should not be escaping the lonely quiet nights, and the noisy mornings filled with shouts and arguments. I have not been sleeping much; awakened too often by angry exchanges between family members. I haven’t been eating well, not finding any meaning in sitting down alone for proper meal. The weighing scale tells me I’ve lost some weight, my body tells me I’ve lost some strength. My mind vows to be stronger, to deal with all this by directing all my energy to studies and training.

July, you have been tiring. August, please be good to me.

Sometime it feels as if you don’t trust me, you appear to, but I can;t help but sense the doubt. I don’t know if it’s me who’s not doing enough or maybe nothing I do will ever be enough.

Uncertainty kills confidence and destroys reassurance. I’m becoming uncertain about many things, about how things are turning out, about whether people really care. I tell myself to get a move on and just deal with this, because no one’s going to be around when you need them.

Running a fever and feeling fatigued. Perhaps it’s apt to say that it’s the worst of times amidst the best of times. Falling sick is the worst thing that can happen when you’re feeling at the top of your fitness. A good hard run at 6am in the morning felt good, it was the hardest I ran in a long while; running your heart out – I think I know what that means now. I rode a new route today on a whim after my run, planning for it to be a short one. But I just kept cycling, and missing u-turn after u-turn, not wanting to turn back. It’s one of those rides that you wished would never end, just you, your bike and your thoughts. When I got home, I racked my bike on the trainer and rode somemore. I don’t know where the energy, intensity or maybe even frustration is coming from. Training is becoming a form of escape, but strangely, also a way of finding myself. I guess I’m tired, fulfilling social obligations and being a cheery chatty person that I’m not. Vey often, I wonder when it is that I’m truly myself. Probably when I’m alone, or when I’m training. It’s hard to fully open up to people; or maybe it’s just me. I wonder if “personality” is the real reason, or if it’s merely an excuse. The fear of getting hurt is real, and I’ve gone through it before; maybe I’m a coward for being afraid of getting hurt again, but I find no need to justify this fear. I think about this relationship, and I wonder how far it will go. I’ve never felt this way about someone before, but it seems like whatever I do isn’t enough. I don’t know why the relationship is riddled with doubt, and I wish we could go back to the simpler times. But people always say that nothing stays the same, and that’s what scares me. I haven’t lost that feeling, but I just wish things were simpler, happier; like how it used to be. I wish it didn’t have to hurt this way, but I don’t know why I’m hurting. I wish I was happier, but I don’t know why I’m not. I wish I had more time with him, but I don’t know how much is enough. I wish we could just be happy.

I think about how things are not going well at home, and I feel sorry that each time things start to look up, they invariably take a turn for the worse. Everyone at home seems to be struggling in their own way, and yet there’s not much we can do for each other. I feel slightly alienated, but we all try to distance ourselves from the negativity. At the end of the day, I guess I’m just trying to fill a void within myself, I don’t need much, just some support and some good quality time when I can have a simple, enjoyable time and be myself again. Not much, but I have to find it first.