I always found it amazing that there’ll always be a song that almost perfectly describes the current state of your life. I’m one of those people who puts on my earphones the moment I step out of the house, and recently, I’ve been hearing Jack Johnson croon about how he’s No Good with Faces a lot. The summer break is quickly drawing to an end, and I look back upon it with ambivalence. I’ve learnt a far bit – about life, people, and relationships. As I was having my pre-race rubdown and sports massage, John and Su discuss the state of my body and muscles as if I’m not there; in the end, it just seems that every area is worked to the point that it’s hard beyond belief, and each muscle is like a wound-up spring. I thought to myself that the state of my mind is very much like that of my body. As I lay there, I realized that you have to hurt in order to find out what matters to you, and what’s important in your life, just as how the muscles that hurt most are the most crucial to the sport. I learnt that when you’re hurting, the best thing to do is to relax. The more tense you are, the more it’s going to hurt. The difficulty lies in trying to relax, simply because it is so counter-intuitive. When there is pain, we tense up, we squirm and do anything to escape or lessen the pain; but sometimes we just have to stay still and experience the pain in full force, stare it in the face, and deal with it. Walking around on my own as dusk approaches, I feel more at peace with myself. Perhaps I should not be escaping the lonely quiet nights, and the noisy mornings filled with shouts and arguments. I have not been sleeping much; awakened too often by angry exchanges between family members. I haven’t been eating well, not finding any meaning in sitting down alone for proper meal. The weighing scale tells me I’ve lost some weight, my body tells me I’ve lost some strength. My mind vows to be stronger, to deal with all this by directing all my energy to studies and training.
July, you have been tiring. August, please be good to me.