Written largely in the darkness of the night

When nothing goes your way and there’s nothing to fall back on. When you lose yourself to work and training and there’s no one to keep you grounded. When you are hit by random moments of hurt and dejection.

Trying to focus, burying myself in work and assignments. Attacking tuition preparation with a vengeance, but none of it keeps me occupied sufficiently. I am not making much ground with my research paper; my thoughts drift to often to the same thing. I struggle to focus, something I don’t usually have problems with. I have holing up at home, not speaking or catching up with friends. I think I need some time for myself, but the emptiness consumes me. I don’t know what I am feeling now, neither do I know what I should be feeling. There are flashes of anger and hurt when I think about how he has hurt me with what he’s done, but there’s also worry, uncertainty over how he’s holding up, and hoping he is doing better without me. It’s been barely a week, but it feels like ages. This is how one single moment can change one’s entire life, and when one thing goes wrong, everything else comes crashing down. I realise I haven’t said a single word to anyone today, but it doesn’t matter. Tension with my parent – because I started a war with them that turned out to be foolish. Maybe they are getting an inkling over what happened, and resisting the urge to say “I told you so”.  I risked everything that I have built over the years, only to get hurt in a relationship that I believed was the one. All I can do, is to treat it as a lesson. I’ve learnt that those who claim that they love you with all their hearts never truly do. Those who say they’ll never hurt you will invariably break your heart. Those who are most afraid of being cheated on, would be the very ones who look outside their relationship for more gratification. I can’t help but feel like things are left hanging, that perhaps I should confronted him about it. Maybe I’m just too hurt and unable to bring myself to start another tiring argument. Maybe he’s disappointed me too much by hurting me the same way again. I need to stop loving someone who caused so much pain, who turned my world upside down. I need to stop thinking about what could have been. I need to heal.

Trying to seek closure, trying to move on. For the first time tonight, I joined the team for dinner. Lighthearted talk with everyone, but there was an unavoidable feeling of emptiness. I try to join in the conversations, but gave up after a while. Laughed along with the jokes, but felt no joy. Roamed around the shopping mall, but found no solace.

It’s difficult, perhaps because I feel like I made the mistake of not being honest with the reason for putting everything to an end. But no regrets, I still hope he takes it as that, I’d rather he thinks that the problem lay with me and not him. There’s hurt and there’s disappointment, but there’s no anger, only forgiveness. We look to the past, but we have live our lives forward. I get moments of sadness, and I pause and hope they pass. All that’s left now is to hope for the best, I hope he is happier. Because till the end, when you love someone, all you want is the best for them, and you know that some people will have already cemented a place in your heart, that you’ll always have a soft spot for them; always hoping that things go well, wishing for the best.

No one sees it. Bumming around at home, bumming around in school, trying to push the thoughts of hurt and pain away. Nobody knows why I am truly hurt, neither can I bring myself to talk to anyone about it. There is never a good time for bad things to happen, but this is the worst of times. Sometimes, I just need a word of encouragement, a hug that says everything is going to be fine, a promise that there’s always going to be someone there. I’ve never got any of those, because nobody really sees the pain.

It’s funny how I often come to know of things by sheer accident. I should no longer be disappointed and I am not, but Ig uses reaffirms my decision and convinces me that it was the right thing to do. Two vastly different people, two vastly different lives. Vastly different conceptions of love, relationship and vastly different intimacy needs. I realised today that some people require pleasure in different forms, and I will never be able to understand it. Maybe deep down, the real reasons was that I was just disappointed in him; but perhaps it is for the best that I didn’t say it, because it would have caused more hurt, and made the ending worse.