Archive for February, 2012
Trying to focus, burying myself in work and assignments. Attacking tuition preparation with a vengeance, but none of it keeps me occupied sufficiently. I am not making much ground with my research paper; my thoughts drift to often to the same thing. I struggle to focus, something I don’t usually have problems with. I have holing up at home, not speaking or catching up with friends. I think I need some time for myself, but the emptiness consumes me. I don’t know what I am feeling now, neither do I know what I should be feeling. There are flashes of anger and hurt when I think about how he has hurt me with what he’s done, but there’s also worry, uncertainty over how he’s holding up, and hoping he is doing better without me. It’s been barely a week, but it feels like ages. This is how one single moment can change one’s entire life, and when one thing goes wrong, everything else comes crashing down. I realise I haven’t said a single word to anyone today, but it doesn’t matter. Tension with my parent – because I started a war with them that turned out to be foolish. Maybe they are getting an inkling over what happened, and resisting the urge to say “I told you so”. I risked everything that I have built over the years, only to get hurt in a relationship that I believed was the one. All I can do, is to treat it as a lesson. I’ve learnt that those who claim that they love you with all their hearts never truly do. Those who say they’ll never hurt you will invariably break your heart. Those who are most afraid of being cheated on, would be the very ones who look outside their relationship for more gratification. I can’t help but feel like things are left hanging, that perhaps I should confronted him about it. Maybe I’m just too hurt and unable to bring myself to start another tiring argument. Maybe he’s disappointed me too much by hurting me the same way again. I need to stop loving someone who caused so much pain, who turned my world upside down. I need to stop thinking about what could have been. I need to heal.
I hope he is, I hope the decision was right. Every night before I go to bed, I reach for my phone out of habit. Then I remember, and put it back down. I look around my room and see so many traces of what used to be. My rooms looks the same even though everything has changed. One moment he’s there, the next moment, it’s all gone.
Trying to seek closure, trying to move on. For the first time tonight, I joined the team for dinner. Lighthearted talk with everyone, but there was an unavoidable feeling of emptiness. I try to join in the conversations, but gave up after a while. Laughed along with the jokes, but felt no joy. Roamed around the shopping mall, but found no solace.
It’s difficult, perhaps because I feel like I made the mistake of not being honest with the reason for putting everything to an end. But no regrets, I still hope he takes it as that, I’d rather he thinks that the problem lay with me and not him. There’s hurt and there’s disappointment, but there’s no anger, only forgiveness. We look to the past, but we have live our lives forward. I get moments of sadness, and I pause and hope they pass. All that’s left now is to hope for the best, I hope he is happier. Because till the end, when you love someone, all you want is the best for them, and you know that some people will have already cemented a place in your heart, that you’ll always have a soft spot for them; always hoping that things go well, wishing for the best.
Too many people asking if I’m alright, too many asking the same questions. Repeating the same answer again too many times, “I’ll be fine”. I refuse to talk too much about it, for there is no point. The pain is my own and I deal with it alone. I’ve learnt lessons, and I try to stay strong. Nobody to talk to, neither do I want to rant. So this here, is my only space – to put the thoughts that have been filling my mind into words, where most people wouldn’t see them.
I’ve been trying not to feel to hurt, but the pain creeps up inevitably, when one least expects it. I was right all along, when I said I was never good enough. You always said all you wanted was me to be who I am, but that obviously wasn’t enough. If I was that special, why would you be constantly looking out for other female companionship online, or seeking more sexual excitement in your life? You kept harping on my past mistake, said it made it hard to trust me – I actually think that it was because you were repeating your own past mistake, and thought that everyone would be just like you. Your insecurities were a result of your past; I’m starting to think that those were all lies. You are insecure because you are always looking for more outside you relationships, and are afraid that your partner would do the same to you. I was never the one you wanted, and now I think maybe you never loved me. All I was, was a source of physical and emotional comfort. You never thought about us, or me, it was all about you. You were angry because I wasn’t willing to fight, but what am I supposed to fight for? Someone like you?
Up till the end, I didn’t want to say all this to you, because I guess I loved you too much to want to hurt you. I take the hurt alone. And I was also wrong, because now, I realised the I probably loved you more than you ever loved me.
I didn’t give up on us, you did…
No one sees it. Bumming around at home, bumming around in school, trying to push the thoughts of hurt and pain away. Nobody knows why I am truly hurt, neither can I bring myself to talk to anyone about it. There is never a good time for bad things to happen, but this is the worst of times. Sometimes, I just need a word of encouragement, a hug that says everything is going to be fine, a promise that there’s always going to be someone there. I’ve never got any of those, because nobody really sees the pain.
Okay, who am I kidding, I am hurt and utterly disappointed. Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. I have never hurt or betrayed anyone – he harps on one incident of a purely white lie, told out of good intentions, but what of all that he has been doing behind my back. Thanks for hurting me, I’ve learnt my lesson.
It’s funny how I often come to know of things by sheer accident. I should no longer be disappointed and I am not, but Ig uses reaffirms my decision and convinces me that it was the right thing to do. Two vastly different people, two vastly different lives. Vastly different conceptions of love, relationship and vastly different intimacy needs. I realised today that some people require pleasure in different forms, and I will never be able to understand it. Maybe deep down, the real reasons was that I was just disappointed in him; but perhaps it is for the best that I didn’t say it, because it would have caused more hurt, and made the ending worse.
Perhaps it hasn’t sunk in yet, but what I feel now, is relief and a delayed sense of release. I don’t necessarily feel happier, but it made me realise how acutely unhappy I was.