All of a sudden, it feels as if I’ve lost my anchor, the one who keeps me grounded. I have plenty of goals set for myself and truckloads of expectations to live up to, and yet the days seem directionless and empty.
I train each day, pushing myself harder and harder. I tackle my greatest weaknesses, I run hills and hit intensities higher than I’ve ever hit. I head to the pool and torture myself with 32x50m sprint sets, forcing myself to hit the wall every 48 seconds and pushing off every minute. My lungs burn and my arms ache, but nothing takes away the emotional pain. Each time I feel upset, I head out for a run. I don’t have a predetermined distance, and I end up running much more than I should. My achilles tendon is giving me trouble, but recovery run dragged out into a 12km run in the freezing downpour.
It seems that we can’t even be friends, that he doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore. For some reason it is hurting much more than it should. Like all the sadness that have passed over me came back with a vengeance and hit me harder than ever. I wanted so badly to ask to see him, but his cold replies made it seem like a bad idea. So I held myself back, and pretended that I didn’t want to get back together.
Then suddenly, it hit me that deep down I had planned to spend the rest of my life with him. But now all that I have left, is lot of hurt.