Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none – that’s how I always try to live. I’ve outgrown any idealistic notions of karma, nor do I believe that kindness truly comes around. The joy of giving comes from the look of happiness on the recipient’s face; the genuine smile of joy. That beats any tangible return that one might be expecting.
Perhaps being too nice is also my greatest weakness, and being too obliging my greatest flaw. While making others happy is a great source of joy, many take kindness for granted. I have no qualms about being under-appreciated, for appreciation and profuse gratitude makes me uncomfortable. I help others along but dislike to be helped, for I don’t like to owe any favours. “You have to learn to say no”, a friend told me the other day – that’s probably the best advice that I never heed.
Things haven’t exactly been going my way recently, nothing major, but just the small bumps and hiccups that are part of life. I push them away, for life’s too short to worry about things that don’t matter. I escape the humdrum of everyday life through scenic long runs and cathartic long rides. The solitude is welcomed, and highly therapeutic, though sometimes riding alone in the dark of the night makes one crave for some company. I’ve been keeping too much to myself, or maybe I always have been. I thought I would have gotten used to it, but sometimes having a listening ear can be the best I can ask for.
I woke up today in pain; physical pain that is. I’m more seriously hurt than I actually let on to others, and as I think back to the crash, my obliging and too-nice self doesn’t go away even in times of pain. I remember reassuring the other apologetic cyclist that I was fine, even smiled at him and told him to run along, for what good would it do yelling and swearing at him? The road rash is superficial, and the headache almost gone, but I’ve got a huge swollen hip that I hope isn’t too obvious. My plan to do run intervals went down the drain the moment I awoke, for I have trouble even standing.
Kindness begets kindness – I still don’t believe in that, but I would really appreciate if I could run again soon.