The soundtrack of the week that past. It’s been a physically and emotionally demanding week, and also one abound with reflections of what I truly love. There has been so much pain physically and emotionally, overwhelming but also numbing. I am grateful for those who can sense it, and I recall one particular moment, when one of the girls that I hardly knew till the camp handed me my shades in the middle of a set, and said “it’s time to hide the pain”.

Being away at camp was supposed to create a focused training environment, but everything comes to naught if the heart is somewhere else. That talk with my mum on the phone, the reminder that she was to have her annual physical checkup, the reminder of the cancer scare, the reminder that she could be dying. When too many things come to a head at the same time, there comes too many tough decisions to make. And when you dither over them or lack the strength to take the tough actions, you suffer and hang in an excruciating balance.

Never once have I felt like I knew exactly what I wanted, and yet also felt that I had no idea what I want. For relationships are messy things, and trusting your heart isn’t always the wisest thing. I have the ideal scenario, but it is a selfish one; for I try to make everyone happy through compromising, and yet I know that no one will truly be happy in the end. Someone asked me that day, “after over 3 years in the sport, surely you know that it’s something you love and want to do it for life right?” I was in complete agreement, but my mind instinctively drifted to ask: isn’t it the same with loving someone?

Perhaps I am jaded after not having felt truly happy and content in a long while. Or maybe as humans we always expect something in return for what we give. The guilt and unhappiness that I go through each day – maybe I expect to get something that would make it all worthwhile. But the lonely weekends and solitary days invariably makes one feel that there is no difference whether there is someone special in your life or not; for there is no companionship, and the loneliness and emptiness that we seek to relieve still haunts you,