The post painful run each week, is what I call the “fasted-state” run, where I do my run 12 hours after my last meal. It teaches my body how to deal with the pain of running on empty, and how to use fat as an alternative fuel.
Sometimes I wish there was a way to train my mind in the same way. To put it through some sort of mental hell, and teach myself how to deal with extremely upsetting situations. The fasted-state runs are painful, no doubt, but for some reason, I like the feeling of an empty stomach – it makes me feel lighter and less weighed down by worldly problems and my thoughts are clearer, for the focus is all in the mind.
As I went out for my run today on an empty stomach, I started to think through the past week. I am grateful for the comments I’ve received from some of you in my previous post, urging me not to retreat to deep into my own world. Perhaps the alternative way out is to open up and talk about things, and I know that there’s someone who’s there, always ready to listen.
But how do I tell him that the disagreements with my family mostly involve him? How do I tell him that there seems to be someone at home who’s ratting on me to my parents? How do I tell him that my mum heard me talking to him over the phone once, got angry and stomped out of the house and left for dinner without me? That I was left starving at home for the rest of the night? How do I tell him that now every weekend, my parents no longer ask me out to dinner, leaving me at home in an empty house all by my lonesome self? How do I tell him that talking on the phone with him is hard because there’s no place in the house that I can be without someone overhearing? How can I tell him that I’m so paranoid now that I don’t even use my home phone to call him anymore? How do I tell him that I hate myself for lacking the courage to take a firm stand on this – to choose between giving this relationship up or to bear with the ostracism at home and the pain of having to hide and lie everyday?
I can’t tell him all this, because it would seem like it’s his fault, when it isn’t. I can’t tell him all this, because it all stems from my own lack of courage, which makes me hate myself even more.
How do you tell someone that they are the reason you;re happy, but also the biggest source of your pain and sadness?
You don’t. Because you can’t.