Too many people asking if I’m alright, too many asking the same questions. Repeating the same answer again too many times, “I’ll be fine”. I refuse to talk too much about it, for there is no point. The pain is my own and I deal with it alone. I’ve learnt lessons, and I try to stay strong. Nobody to talk to, neither do I want to rant. So this here, is my only space – to put the thoughts that have been filling my mind into words, where most people wouldn’t see them.
I’ve been trying not to feel to hurt, but the pain creeps up inevitably, when one least expects it. I was right all along, when I said I was never good enough. You always said all you wanted was me to be who I am, but that obviously wasn’t enough. If I was that special, why would you be constantly looking out for other female companionship online, or seeking more sexual excitement in your life? You kept harping on my past mistake, said it made it hard to trust me – I actually think that it was because you were repeating your own past mistake, and thought that everyone would be just like you. Your insecurities were a result of your past; I’m starting to think that those were all lies. You are insecure because you are always looking for more outside you relationships, and are afraid that your partner would do the same to you. I was never the one you wanted, and now I think maybe you never loved me. All I was, was a source of physical and emotional comfort. You never thought about us, or me, it was all about you. You were angry because I wasn’t willing to fight, but what am I supposed to fight for? Someone like you?
Up till the end, I didn’t want to say all this to you, because I guess I loved you too much to want to hurt you. I take the hurt alone. And I was also wrong, because now, I realised the I probably loved you more than you ever loved me.
I didn’t give up on us, you did…